"..accept the past as past without denying it or discarding it.." - morrie (tuesdays with morrie by mitch albom)

better said than done. i believe we all have our secrets. we've all done things  we're ashamed of. those things just stay in the past. they stay forgotten if we zone it out. they stay quiet when no one else knows them. if its something you're ashamed of it haunts you. haha. its hard to accept. *i don't know what im saying".

the last week has been a very busy week for me. i've been going to work earlier than usual because i have so much stuff to do. *i don't even get paid for it* haha. oh well, whatever gets the job done.

i think im at a point where i have to choose which paths to take with my "career" *emphasis on the qoute and qoute*. my mom has been calling my assistant's job as a career. haha. so anyways before the last day of the week ended, i was given this file from our practice manager. it was all about this course that i could take. one of those things they a "cert iii" or "certificate 3". the course's title was CERTIFICATE III IN BUSINESS (LEGAL ADMINISTRATION). i actually think that its a good idea. i never really saw myself studying anything related to law. but then again i never thought that i would be here, the land down under. i think i will acutally take it. its not like i have any other plans.

i love music. its always been around all my life. i find it very constant and absolute. when you're out of tune you're out of tune. when you're not on tempo you're not on tempo. simple as that. its all just black and white. no matter how complicated the beat, the song always answers to a time signature..or two. no matter how weird the tune sounds, it'll always be on a key..or two..if its not - its not a song..

black and white. no grey areas..as clean as that. what if life was like that? hmmm..thought..

anyways..its just another one of my pointless thoughts..

i just saw this movie last night entitled "just friends". its about this guy who had a girl best friend who he was inlove with. unfortunately he was always stuck in her "friend zone". which by the way was like home to me most of my life. hehe.

anyways that night i had a dream about this guy friend i have. he's been on my mind for quite a while now. im not sure if im falling for him or if i just really miss him. i wouldn't mind which one it is. if i was falling for him, then at least i have proof that im not emotionally numb after all. *haha* i mean at least i know that i can still feel that feeling that can make your heart skip a beat. and if i just miss him that would be ok too. he's just always there, lingering in the corners of my mind. i dont know. maybe i made a mistake last year. *wink*

well since we're in the subject of guys. i would just like to make it official that mr mechanic is completely out of the picture. its actually quite good. i mean i feel like i just got rid of a zit. haha. *so mean*

i was on my home on a train yesterday. i usually just sit quietly and listen to my trusty iPod 'til i have to get off. but yesterday a saw an elderly couple get on the train. they looked like they were in their 70's  or 80's. anyways it was around 5pm and the sun was setting. it was low enough for its light to pass straight through the train and blind anyone who didn't wear shades (or in aussie slang, "sunnies"). so anyways, when it was their turn to face the sun, i saw the old man raise his hand high enough to protect the old lady's eyes. sweet gesture..

i couldn't help but smile. i think they even caught looking and smiling. it was such a nice picture. being that old and still be that inlove. hehe. its just a nice thought, something to maybe keep in mind when i get to that age and see if i have that. or not...hmmm..

fear is a pain in the ass. it can hinder you from doing things you've always wanted. or even worse it can hinder you from actually living. i've always been a woos. i was always too afraid to try anything new. always afraid to raise my hand in class even if i knew the right answer. its an aweful habit. and now i think im too afraid to actually move and live my life without doing something that would make people think less of me.

i don't know whats wrong with me. i keep feeling like im missing something. its like i left something behind when i left UAE. i dont know what it is. i cried my eyes out to sleep again last night. funny thing was i didn't know why. i feel like there's this heaviness that i keep carrying around but i can't quite put my finger on it.

i think im having a "living block". i've been doing the same things week in and week out. for the past 6 months. getting up, going to work, going home and go to bed. there are so many i wanna persue and i can't get myself to do them. its like i dont even care anymore. and there are times when i don't see the point.

im tired of being all polite because you have to be when you meet new people. im tired of making small talk and smiling all the time just to make the conversation a lil less awkward. tired of saying "im doing good" when people ask me how i am every morning. its like the first day of school again only its lasts more than a day. its not that im miserable. i just... i don't know..

i guess i'll leave things the way they are..maybe this dark cloud will find me boring enough to leave me alone after a while..

today's blog title song qoute - from the song "a plain morning" by dashboard confessional.. (it just fits)

while listening to paolo nutini's these last request..i ponder upon what to pour my heart out on. haha. the truth is i've been feeling pretty bored lately..bored as in numb. i think i've forgotten what drama used to feel like. you know, the drama we all try to pretend we hate but actually live for..

when life gets too comfortable you tend to look for that feeling that makes your heart ache. it doesn't matter if its new found love or simply a broken heart. loosing a friend or letting your guard down andletting someone in. we take anything just to know that we're actually feeling something real..

when all you've done all your life is watch OTHER people take chances and see them loose and gain what they risked their hearts for you tend to wonder if you'll ever be able to do the same thing. *let's forget the fact that i've my heart broken a few times*. i've always played the role of "the friend" to be more specific "the girlfriend's best friend". haha. you wouldn't believe how many relationships i saw crash and burn and also spring up like mushrooms around you. thought i'd try it myself.*note to self - monkey see, monkey do is a stupid motto*

*note to self, get rid of "shell" habit.*

i don't know what it is me with me and guys with huge egos. haha. *just a thought*

i got a message from a friend today saying how much she's missed in my life the past few months. she was reading my blog and realized that she didn't know a thing about half the stuff she was reading. haha.

i really don't know what im gona blog about. apparently the "great guy" that i thought slipped through my fingers...well didn't slip. haha! but i still don't know why he's still around. and i still don't know where this is going.

song in my head: "middle of nowhere" by hot hot heat (soundtrack to one tree hill). i just love the feel of the song. music has been a very good companion lately..

i must admit my blog is very boring. i mean i have no idea about how to set up the layout and all so im kinda stuck to what i have right now. but anyway, i dont think people actually go to this page so its no biggy.

work has been good to me lately. constant prayers that God would give me the strength to get me through the day always works, in His time. people at the firm are nice. they're all great to get along with. i guess its a plus.

my lovelife has been a bit weird lately and i don't have anyone else to blame but myself. i think i let a really great guy slip through my fingers. once again my fear got the best of me. i think he's starting to move on and i think i miss him.

i wanna start blogging regularly again. it really helps a lot to put it all out there. i may have to learn how to work out my own layout. *i miss you ate rache!*

working in a legal firm can get very stressful.. especially if you've never worked in one like ever.. there are times when the pressure can get so intense you can actually feel rinkles lining your face too soon for your age. *i really hope that made sense*..

and it doesn't help when you're clueless about what you're doing more than 50% of the time. there are times when i would ask myself *what the hell am i doing here?!* i feel like i need a lawyer's dictionary at arm's length al the time. *which wouldn't be a bad idea..note to self: get a lawyer's dictionary*

i seriously need to get a life. i can be a loner all my life.

hmm..its the 31st of december, can't remember the last time i blogged.

since the new year is coming up, i thot i'd gather all of my blogging power and finally post something for the first time in at least a month. the truth is that hurting, im still hurting. currently on the mend. you can say that im going through a withdrawal from some of the best things in my life.

2007 was a great year. i can't say i went smoothly, but with every problem that came by, i always knew i wasn't alone. i always knew that someone was there to help me through it. they didn't even have to do anything to make me feel better, they were just there and somehow it was enough. i don't need to mention their names. they know who they are.

when it comes to the whole lovelife stuff, i've learned a lot. lets just leave it at that.

its scary here, australia, compared to my life back in UAE, temptation is everywhere. as in it falls right on your lap and all you have to do is grab it. hopefuly God gives me the strength to say no.

this whole move to australia is bitter-sweet, i mean i AM sad that i had to part ways with my most treasured friends but its a chance for a much more privileged life for my family. my dad loves his new job & his boss is great. my brother and sister love their new school. my mom just loves it here. i have a good job that i can't complain about.

i guess im thankful, thankful for everything i have. that even if i miss my friends, im thankful that i even have friends who are good enough to miss this much.

i thank God for all that i have.

hehe. got that qoute from some dude on tv. thought it sounded sweet..

i haven't blogged in a while. just started a job at this law firm which is well-known, well at least people say so. the position is a legal assistant. it sounds all big and serious to me. but in truth its pretty much like any other clerical job. typical filing, correspondence, billing, mailing and of course playing around with people's files. hehe. the people are nice. so far, i dont have a problem with anyone. not that i ever had a problem with anyone i've ever worked with. except for this one lawyer dude. he kinda scares me. i scare easy so im not surprised. i've been trying to make sure that i dont make any mistakes. so far so good though. 

im enjoying my job. its a breath of fresh air from the last two temp jobs i've been doing. they were both just drawing up reports for welding inspectors. waaah. this job i have right now is a good step forward if i ever wana pursue any career. i have my own phone line. hihi. my own work station. and i don't have time to wait for 5.00pm (out time).    

okei enough about work. although there's nothing new with me other than the job. i've been having another musician's block! i have all these things to write about but i can't put them together to make anything that could make sense.

im currently addicted to maroon 5. love their new album. just love it. hehe
"nothing lasts forever" and "won't go home without you" best songs from the most recent album. hihi.